Tag Archives: woman

Throw Me Away

Suicide…Let’s talk about it…..I must admit I’ve thought about it.

I feel sick, bubbling up with tears in a way I’ve never done at the mention of suicide. Today I remembered how in high school I was on the verge of doing so. How close?

I struggled with academia and comparisons with higher performing peers and siblings brought shame to my own efforts. Though I was never beaten for bad grades, the constant sniping was death by a thousand cuts. I wasn’t good enough, I’d be like such and such a person. If it wasn’t A+ they don’t want to hear about it, don’t mention creative stuff, that’s not going to get you anywhere. Don’t you dare disagree, or have an opinion that contrasts with another vision for you.  Walk like this, talk like that, hold your knife and fork this way, your lips moved – you must be being rude even though no sound was made. Your eyes moved this way, you’re supposed to be that way, stop being disrespectful. Dismiss it as nothing if you will.  For me, without validation from important adults, I was nothing.

I was bullied often and at different points, year in year out, from the beginning of primary school to the final years of high school. During break times playing basketball in high school, guys would actively shout “1000 points if you knock his glasses off or 10, 000 if you trip him over and get him to cry”.

There was one physical education session where I was playing football. I came in for some rough treatment as an outfield player and became the goalkeeper. Although I fared better in this position, the fouls got worse to the point where I blurted out that I just wanted to kill myself. They thought I was joking.

I had struggled with self-esteem issues (body etc) and all-around confidence. At this point, both were 6 feet under where I wanted to be. They had never accepted me for me. Nobody did. No matter what I did, being me wasn’t good enough for anyone. In my head, I mused whether school tie around a goal post or by other means away from there would do the job. How close did I get to it? close enough.

I fell ill and was out of school for over a week. When I returned, people told me that they thought I really had taken my life. They joked about me returning from the dead. I don’t know what stopped me from doing it. Maybe there was a fighter in me after all. I didn’t dare tell anyone how I really felt. Nobody would have listened anyway, not without making me feel worse than I already did. Dead rappers get lauded, there are no prizes for near misses.

Although I’ve thought about it in my adult life, I’ve been able to divert my intense thought patterns to a better place…just. Whilst I’ve been able to pour myself into writing in times when I had nobody to talk to, a creative outlet to channel destructive energy isn’t given to everyone.

I don’t want to be in a world where 9-year-old boys or anyone else feels like their life isn’t worth it. That hurts me to my soul. I hope that we create environments so that those who struggle can freely express their struggles, their pain. Talk to me, talk to someone.  Together we can change the puzzle so that more people feel like they fit into this world.

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Filed under Just Living

BGM

Little Girl boxing a box of trials
Life tessellating
Future soul spinning records and tales
Wagging tongues tales dogging you
Walls won’t wail like untuned ivory
When tinkled ebony stands alone
Abseiling from the stars
With memories of Mardi Gras
Moribund artisans tobogganing through torpor will want your fuel
You better stand while you bus so they can have a seat
Sew stars seeds of street lamps
Grow in the light
You’re Black, whole
Hot tar cannot be touched
This Black Girl magic is just.

Pure.

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Filed under Race, Random Poetics

The Adam Question

Some days I wonder whether Eve in Eden was a case of mistaken identity.

Whether Lizzy or Rachael or Ella were meant to be.

With no childhood memories,

Was their first date a snoozefest laced with pleasantries?

Neither could eat from a template of how they’re meant to be.

With no career or previous history, was their first kiss like conservative virgin sex, full of an awkward intensity?

What was the attraction? Looks or personality or just that she had been made from him for him?

Was she as immaculate as a queen?

Did he need to teach her how to manage the home, cook or clean?

It’ll never reveal whether Eve even had sex appeal

Was love meant to breathe with Eve?

Yes, we see that she was given as his one and only.

Was Adam so lonely or just insanely desperate?

Was he rough and ready to her delicate?

Was she tough and he extremely sensitive?

Had he wanted a slice of heaven for the hell of it?

After the novelty had worn off, did he start regretting it?

Want to curse God for blessing it.

Was he sleeping on her subtleties like a sedative?

Or was the union so heavenly that he wanted to make the best of it.

Knowing she was made for him, did he ever wrestle with this so-called blessing?

After they’d been put together, did angels tell him he’d never looked better?

Did he get that constant reassurance they looked good together?

With no ceremony was this the first true marriage or a cohabitation?

Their mere creation a blessing witnessed by his creator and angels

If Adam had a choice would he have remained faithful?

If we were Adam, would we even be grateful?

Accepting that, though love learns the hard way,

Some lives… you’re made for.

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Filed under Relationships

The Invitation (52/4)

The nest is being broken
Come along, come along!
The nest is being broken
Come along

The sun has awoken,
(For) Manhood chose to clothe him
Come along, come along!

What heart he had now stolen
To plant his seed he’s grown him
Come along

Scraped the barrel.
Found gunpowder
Blew his mind
When he found her
Come along, Come along!

See this late blooming chapter,
Tears of Joy and laughter
Pack the place to the rafters
Come along, Come along

Now if you guard the runway
They’ll be flying on the Sunday
Come along!

Share in vows unspoken
Hope they never will be broken
Come along!

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Filed under 52 Week Challenge

Sticking Cells

You say, you have, been treated,
Like an, after, thought in his world
You say, you feel so deceived it,
Bothers you to let yourself unfurl
I know, I’ve not, been perfect,
Yet I was, not that, guy
I am, newness, hoping, to be trueness,
How can we be if we simply don’t try
See it feels, like, I am paying for,
The pain that, he’s left inside
I know, heartaches they stay raw
Yet I can’t, let hurt reside

I know, butterflies, are feelings
I don’t, want yours, to leave so soon,
I can’t, be your babe, if you’re just, playing games
I’ve no, allegiance, to your gloom

Cos I have been broken, by the love I once enshrined
Now I have been woken, to the possibility, it’s the right time

Though, many, many, many, many, men
Would be put off, by your sullen flames
I’ll say, again, again, again, again
You ain’t a trophy, you wont be, this ain’t a game
And it would, be folly
To cut my losses, and try to win without you
I’m about, my business
There’s no balancing it without you

I want to be fly with you, draw
Swim as angel wings through the clouds
I want to fly…..be fly with you
Banishing thunderbolts of doubt

White robes and eternity
I’ll show you what unfading star means
This love is burning me
Can we grow deeper into good ground?

It’s not about making love
till we’ve been made in love
I don’t wan’t that break-in love
Though we ache in love
Cos you are my forethought
Our love is blood bought
And I think of you all the time

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Filed under Relationships