I am stuck. Between the comforts of what I started with and perspectives I have now. I am stuck.
Like Bruce Banner in the latest of The Avengers series of movies (e.g. End Game) and the Hulk. I, am, stuck. Between a doctrine and expression of church I like and beliefs around how church should be.
I am stuck, between my heart and my head, my soul and my eyes – watching the stock in faith leaders’ demise rise.
It has been close to a year since I was last committed to a church. A place that I consider to have enabled a degree of peace and stability in my life. No matter how bad things have gotten, I have always had my faith. I could always channel my energies in that direction in the hope that everything else turns around.
So what happens when the very thing that brings you stability becomes the source of anger, pain and distrust? Do you say “that’s it I’m never going back to another”, do you rebound into the arms of whoever will welcome you? Most people do and just continue in their bubble with a new set of connections that keep things ticking over.
For me, being without a church has felt like being without a job. Although being free to do my own thing is good for a week or 3 and the application process (see church search) is tiresome, you start to notice the isolation. Maybe, like my working life, I’ve rarely been without it. In that time, I’ve seen motivation to engage with that world fall flatter with occasional peaks.
I wonder, if like my period of unemployment, I’ll find something of a dream environment to thrive in again. I wonder if that will be a lasting thing or have the plug pulled in loss of funding type fashion. I wonder if this is a dying of the light inside or a chapter of recovery from the pain caused by more than one period of hurt inflicted by that environment.
Many more high profile than I have publicly denounced their now former beliefs after much questioning. Although I am not minded to denounce mine, I find this period at the cross roads a lengthy and at times, uncomfortable one. As the search continues my observations may yield questions that may or may not get answers. In the long run, not knowing may be fine if the impetus to move takes over. What fuels that? Only God Knows.