Tag Archives: pressure

Throw Me Away

Suicide…Let’s talk about it…..I must admit I’ve thought about it.

I feel sick, bubbling up with tears in a way I’ve never done at the mention of suicide. Today I remembered how in high school I was on the verge of doing so. How close?

I struggled with academia and comparisons with higher performing peers and siblings brought shame to my own efforts. Though I was never beaten for bad grades, the constant sniping was death by a thousand cuts. I wasn’t good enough, I’d be like such and such a person. If it wasn’t A+ they don’t want to hear about it, don’t mention creative stuff, that’s not going to get you anywhere. Don’t you dare disagree, or have an opinion that contrasts with another vision for you.  Walk like this, talk like that, hold your knife and fork this way, your lips moved – you must be being rude even though no sound was made. Your eyes moved this way, you’re supposed to be that way, stop being disrespectful. Dismiss it as nothing if you will.  For me, without validation from important adults, I was nothing.

I was bullied often and at different points, year in year out, from the beginning of primary school to the final years of high school. During break times playing basketball in high school, guys would actively shout “1000 points if you knock his glasses off or 10, 000 if you trip him over and get him to cry”.

There was one physical education session where I was playing football. I came in for some rough treatment as an outfield player and became the goalkeeper. Although I fared better in this position, the fouls got worse to the point where I blurted out that I just wanted to kill myself. They thought I was joking.

I had struggled with self-esteem issues (body etc) and all-around confidence. At this point, both were 6 feet under where I wanted to be. They had never accepted me for me. Nobody did. No matter what I did, being me wasn’t good enough for anyone. In my head, I mused whether school tie around a goal post or by other means away from there would do the job. How close did I get to it? close enough.

I fell ill and was out of school for over a week. When I returned, people told me that they thought I really had taken my life. They joked about me returning from the dead. I don’t know what stopped me from doing it. Maybe there was a fighter in me after all. I didn’t dare tell anyone how I really felt. Nobody would have listened anyway, not without making me feel worse than I already did. Dead rappers get lauded, there are no prizes for near misses.

Although I’ve thought about it in my adult life, I’ve been able to divert my intense thought patterns to a better place…just. Whilst I’ve been able to pour myself into writing in times when I had nobody to talk to, a creative outlet to channel destructive energy isn’t given to everyone.

I don’t want to be in a world where 9-year-old boys or anyone else feels like their life isn’t worth it. That hurts me to my soul. I hope that we create environments so that those who struggle can freely express their struggles, their pain. Talk to me, talk to someone.  Together we can change the puzzle so that more people feel like they fit into this world.

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Filed under Just Living

And What?

Words
Strong arms fragile egos
Strong wills weakly we go
In search of forever, hoping my ever
Will design my legacy
Parental past behind eating the future ahead of me
Can’t sleep or eat for fear of not achieving their feats is an unyielding beast
All I got is beef but they call me chicken
Slave to their wrong decision
A victim of their howls of derision
Poetry is the only arena I free think in
Where opinions and philosophies got honed
Where I lay my heart I call home
Dog with a bone I’m not
I am classical hip hop
Expressive, driven message, with purpose
They say money had game but now he played and worthless
Not like I worked less or more
Counting my blessings to try and settle scores
Knocking my head against walls trying to open doors
Kick down flaws
Stay grounded, ground pounding
Stay rounded get my head around the corner
I‘m universal, they’re Time Warner
Everything’s a warning
Virtual worlds I’ve stayed warm in, my reality is so cold
Be bold, be you
They say they people see persona but they’ll see you
Everybody knows me
Say I’m food for thought but I’m so plated everybody owns me
Slated as plated gold see, these memoirs unfold like Dead Sea scrolls
I’ve learnt to float and roll with punches in bunches
Munch my hunches, swallow the bullets
Gotta stop trying and just live life to the fullest
Grow a mullet and be the lion king
Weaknesses I’m ironing
Even Iron Man had weaknesses
Do I need to a beat a leviathan?

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Filed under Random Poetics