Tag Archives: growth

Between Jobs

I am stuck. Between the comforts of what I started with and perspectives I have now. I am stuck.

Like Bruce Banner in the latest of The Avengers series of movies (e.g. End Game) and the Hulk. I, am, stuck. Between a doctrine and expression of church I like and beliefs around how church should be.

I am stuck, between my heart and my head, my soul and my eyes – watching the stock in faith leaders’ demise rise.

It has been close to a year since I was last committed to a church. A place that I consider to have enabled a degree of peace and stability in my life. No matter how bad things have gotten, I have always had my faith. I could always channel my energies in that direction in the hope that everything else turns around.

So what happens when the very thing that brings you stability becomes the source of anger, pain and distrust? Do you say “that’s it I’m never going back to another”, do you rebound into the arms of whoever will welcome you? Most people do and just continue in their bubble with a new set of connections that keep things ticking over.

For me, being without a church has felt like being without a job. Although being free to do my own thing is good for a week or 3 and the application process (see church search) is tiresome, you start to notice the isolation. Maybe, like my working life, I’ve rarely been without it.  In that time, I’ve seen motivation to engage with that world fall flatter with occasional peaks.

I wonder, if like my period of unemployment, I’ll find something of a dream environment to thrive in again. I wonder if that will be a lasting thing or have the plug pulled in loss of funding type fashion. I wonder if this is a dying of the light inside or a chapter of recovery from the pain caused by more than one period of hurt inflicted by that environment.

Many more high profile than I have publicly denounced their now former beliefs after much questioning. Although I am not minded to denounce mine, I find this period at the cross roads a lengthy and at times, uncomfortable one. As the search continues my observations may yield questions that may or may not get answers. In the long run, not knowing may be fine if the impetus to move takes over. What fuels that? Only God Knows.

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New Year New….Journey?

New Year New….Journey?

Some things have to stay in the past, no matter how hard you want to drag them into the present. That goes for good things that happened in the previous year too.

I could give you half a dozen titles and hundreds of words for blog posts I wrote (and remain in draft form) reflecting on 2018. I had hoped to give you a glimpse into practical highs, crushing lows and express thankfulness for everything in between. Instead I posted a poetic expression of a very stressful that situation that occurred recently.

I’m not the New Year, new me type, never have been. Maybe that was my go with the flow mentality. Significant changes every year for who? Me? For a few years, my end of year reflections started in October and changes began in November. Whatever calendar you work with, change has to start as soon as you’re ready to start changing. Simple, isn’t it?

Just knowing you came out the other side is as inspirational as any detail you could explain. The new you begun before anyone else could start putting up social media posts about what they would or wouldn’t be doing for the next year.

A new year may not bring or require wholesome change. There may be situations or seasons that have started at different times and require your investment to maintain or improve them. You could have started a job or taken up a hobby, you may be a parent and simply have seen your child grow up a little more. It is likely that you will have different things in different areas of your life that require your efforts. There is a journey to be had whether you are starting, maintaining or finishing something.

Can you trust yourself to acknowledge what has happened at a particular time and simply take only what is necessary into the next interaction, the next phase? Take enough fuel for the journey and burn it accordingly.

Although the stories of how we got from A-B are incredibly important. We cannot carry every book in its entirety with us. For us to live and move forward in life we must let them live in their space. That space may be the museum of unshared blogs or diary entries. That space may be a one off reading at an open mic, a WhatsApp message. That space may even be a single photo, a phone call or meeting at a café.

What are you keeping in your space in this season? What are you fuelling your journey with?

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Filed under Just Living

Waste man’s world

I need a new concept and I know that its ridiculous

Excuse me lady can I take your particulars

You know I’m God’s gift a smoother St Nicholas

Say I’ll take you to the moon or nowhere in particular

Can I get in to your knickers love ah damn my shame

Your hole’s my goal so now you know my aim

If I put my hands on your frame I’ll get in to your brain

Tell you to to picture us and how we’ll be loves reign

Fill you with becoming though I’m no more than a cum stain

I’m a good man’s nemesis you’l be the mess that he gains

See I need a new concept and I know that its ridiculous

If I achieve my goal I promise I’ll stick to us

Screw and move my honesty wasn’t meant to be pernicious

It’s a dog eat dog world but your meat will be delicious

Cos I’m a fool

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Sometimes

Sometimes
I wonder what if I had disobeyed so called guidance and played to the gallery of my strengths. Raised my number of reasonable grades and been between the C and A’s my intelligence deserved.
Sometimes
I wonder if I’d told them where to stick their work now play later ethics would I have earlier learned to be less reserved.
For now I yearn to enjoy life like I should have when I was younger.
Sometimes
I wonder what if it was me who went to a university in a city of stars and high lives, would I get high fives or sharp knives.
Would I be the subject of study rather than disdain.
Sometimes
I wonder if they’re blind to the real me because I haven’t met expectations.
I play strong silent until I’m burdened with vexations.
I’m too fly to be off the handle so I endure with patience yet I have to sell like Asians, the essence and science of my ingrained convictions.
Prove myself worthy of my existence.
Sometimes
I wonder why they call a spade a spade yet dirty my kitchen because they really ain’t digging the true me.
See sometimes they claim to know me better than I do yet can’t act on the mirror like I do.
Maybe its because I know my reflection.
History repeats itself like the gloomy mist after a conservative won election.
All I ever heard was my imperfection until I did them a favour and played to their favourite phrase of “you don’t listen” just so I can learn to love me.
Not sometimes
But always.

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