Tag Archives: adulthood

Throw Me Away

Suicide…Let’s talk about it…..I must admit I’ve thought about it.

I feel sick, bubbling up with tears in a way I’ve never done at the mention of suicide. Today I remembered how in high school I was on the verge of doing so. How close?

I struggled with academia and comparisons with higher performing peers and siblings brought shame to my own efforts. Though I was never beaten for bad grades, the constant sniping was death by a thousand cuts. I wasn’t good enough, I’d be like such and such a person. If it wasn’t A+ they don’t want to hear about it, don’t mention creative stuff, that’s not going to get you anywhere. Don’t you dare disagree, or have an opinion that contrasts with another vision for you.  Walk like this, talk like that, hold your knife and fork this way, your lips moved – you must be being rude even though no sound was made. Your eyes moved this way, you’re supposed to be that way, stop being disrespectful. Dismiss it as nothing if you will.  For me, without validation from important adults, I was nothing.

I was bullied often and at different points, year in year out, from the beginning of primary school to the final years of high school. During break times playing basketball in high school, guys would actively shout “1000 points if you knock his glasses off or 10, 000 if you trip him over and get him to cry”.

There was one physical education session where I was playing football. I came in for some rough treatment as an outfield player and became the goalkeeper. Although I fared better in this position, the fouls got worse to the point where I blurted out that I just wanted to kill myself. They thought I was joking.

I had struggled with self-esteem issues (body etc) and all-around confidence. At this point, both were 6 feet under where I wanted to be. They had never accepted me for me. Nobody did. No matter what I did, being me wasn’t good enough for anyone. In my head, I mused whether school tie around a goal post or by other means away from there would do the job. How close did I get to it? close enough.

I fell ill and was out of school for over a week. When I returned, people told me that they thought I really had taken my life. They joked about me returning from the dead. I don’t know what stopped me from doing it. Maybe there was a fighter in me after all. I didn’t dare tell anyone how I really felt. Nobody would have listened anyway, not without making me feel worse than I already did. Dead rappers get lauded, there are no prizes for near misses.

Although I’ve thought about it in my adult life, I’ve been able to divert my intense thought patterns to a better place…just. Whilst I’ve been able to pour myself into writing in times when I had nobody to talk to, a creative outlet to channel destructive energy isn’t given to everyone.

I don’t want to be in a world where 9-year-old boys or anyone else feels like their life isn’t worth it. That hurts me to my soul. I hope that we create environments so that those who struggle can freely express their struggles, their pain. Talk to me, talk to someone.  Together we can change the puzzle so that more people feel like they fit into this world.

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Filed under Just Living

Retrograde Doxology (52/11)

Oh black box of bountiful banter and bodacious badassery
Wonderful are your dual shocks in my hands
You give nightmares to the dream cast and cast dreams as virtual realities
Those who try angles just to square with you are caught in the circle of exasperation.
Only the soulless would not walk in San Andreas

From the rising of the sun to the scratching of the game will I praise you.
Homework cleaning, and proper sleep have died for you.
Knowing that football widows are but a testament to your handiwork
We men have Kingdom Hearts, it is the measure our soul calibre that sometimes….
The devil may cry at your mastery of Electronic Arts.

Being in your presence is a call of duty for which no medal of honour is deserving
We are not worthy but by cheat codes or insomnia we are made perfect..
Deliver us from the wrath of wives, parents and girlfriends oh keeper of our Final Fantasy
Guitar heroes and sing stars are but cherubims to your glorious gamesmanship

An ex boxer to a knockout king is but a nay sayer denying pro evolution.

You are more than a Vice City siren causing Silent hills to throw tantrums.
Bedrooms and lounges are temples where we crown you with prickly victories
Oh black box of conquests you consume time like a ravenous herbivore
Even after beating number 134 of a tekken tournament that has torn a man
We are found wanting more, of you

Left one, left two oh black box we are you regimented.
Right, one right two, sometimes our pride has been dented
With broad shoulders we accept this monopoly on our senses
Our mettle gears solid so we shift blocks like tetris.

Are you deity or a dynasty, with your 4th generation of believers
See 10, 000 reasons aren’t enough to proclaim that you reign in all seasons
With joy now receive us
We know eye toy preceded your move into greatness
Sega and Nintendo must bow down
All Hail The Playstation

Playstation

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Filed under 52 Week Challenge

19 Stone Smile (52/9)

19 stone smile was bad, like Mike in 87
Until I met the real miss jackson with her hips and twisted melon
Quiet dog and a fruit cake for whom love was a never.
18 years were two words and (an) escaped life sentence
The mirror separated the pedant from the peasant.
In the future an atheist would bring a Christian to repentance
Dating was a time of the month, lust seemed so feral
It was perpetual rebounding until I found my level
If you’re travelling without moving, how do you know haven’t settled?
The love of love was a drug and for pot I never kettled
Not a man united but experience made for a read devil
Making music without producing, I lied to heavy meddle
Hope my nemesis forgives me for being the herb to her petal
Not everyone’s cup of tea but she knew I deserved better.
Would have loved sons but clouds didn’t produce our weather
My love story’s a challenge
With every page I’m counting blessings
I thought my 19 stone smile was bad like Mike in 87
I was a child then and a child then
After 36 months of emptying my vessel to find my forever
I grew up and realised she was simply the start of the lesson

With the examination my ties were shredded
In 6 years of wrestling I’ve done turn buckle swallow dives
My heart learnt to swallow knives
To see if they would cut it I found myself to lose my mind
Sometimes you need a bare soul to grow into your shoe size
Now my 19 stone smile is someone’s 10 or 25
As my smile
Is now mine
For life

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Filed under 52 Week Challenge, Relationships

You didn’t know

Have you ever been picked at
Like Prince, Hendrix and Santana fighting for the best solo at the same time on the same guitar
Have you ever been kicked around the park because you couldn’t see in the dark
Pinched every time you flinched because one finger held a fork wrong
Been stabbed by a forked tongue,
Bruised like fallen apples though you’d barely been a seed
Have you ever started to bleed so much your heart screamed in silence
Caressed by looks of violence
Wisdom deemed disrespectful to age
Pulped in a bloody rage because manhood was not a life stage and
Now they choose to perform….on you
Travails dismissed like the truth in a court of kangaroos and Joeys
but
Nobody wants to know how you doin
Cold shoulders 360 below zero only warm to being a hero if like a fish
You are battered
Warmed to proving that the only demands that matter aren’t yours
When all you remember is the pause while you got played
Have you ever faced war on your best earth for not being the right gradient
For achieving Palladium not platinum and for them its embarrassing
Have you ever
Ever been made to work now and play later because it will pay later
Only to end up in debt to time
Spending all your life on the grind and rarely flowering
Showered in towering cynicisms because even when its not a sin it, just isn’t
Good enough
Find yourself good at stuff but you ain’t rough and tumble enough
Too humble, too nice, you help folk walk
Youo stumble through sacrifice to sacrifice and all they do is
Ink a black mark over a bad start
Nobody holds a ladder or a door you look to the river for help
All you see are black stars
Have you ever,
Been picked at like a vulture and an eagle fighting for antelope
Only to find with your best qualities folk elope into the distance
Like all your time and persistence and divine given visions were stolen
And all those principles they told you never to break were broken
by those who broke you and built you to know them
Have you ever
Had to provide a tour through a city of many gates and turns
Where road burns and cuts gave way to the if’s and buts yet still
You found a way to feel until the moment they got real and left
Have you never
Wanted attention despite being nurtured ot be pensive
That when you cry danger folk call you defensive or overly sensitive before they
choke you
I don’t know if they told you that I have
I don’t know if you know how if feels to be the last one earth in an overcrowded citadel
I don’t know if you will ever know like I do but now
You know me well

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Filed under Just Living

Bitch Please

Excuse me miss thing I don’t mean to burst your ego

But just because you’re fat don’t think you appeal to negro

That’s not how we roll, we’re not all chubby chasers

We don’t all love to see rolls, don’t love size zeros, forget the haters

Some put out easy and yes they truly be hoes

Just because your sperm donor left you – it’s a not a debt that we’ll hold

You think your culture rejects you for your size you need to be bolder

Stop fronting like your miss independent when you’re just a toad with a chip on your shoulder

Until you love yourself, you’ll be special to no one

Want to be swept off your feet but you don’t need no man,

Get all depressed, start wearing fake sun tan

Show off your chest because you think it’s the best

The hit and a quit brigade will be ready to invest

When it’s the mentally dressed who you really want to arrest

Acting like a bitch will only switch their interest away

If you don’t respect their intellect because you feel a way

Your defensiveness will be offensive and when you’re old and grey

You’ll be repenting lamenting those oh so many dates but it’ll be too late

For the mirror never lies but first you must uncover it

Acting all blind just because the truth is too troubling

Words that are wise to the stubborn are bubbling

Remember the pain of your past but don’t let it govern you

For it wont be a personality clash that stops someone loving you

It’ll be the mask that shows an unconfident lack of love in you for you

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Filed under Race

Blood Will Reign

Their blood will reign yet kings abandon their thrones
Leaving bemused queens raising princes alone
Takes more than bricks and mortar to be making a home
Yet they lay the foundations then to new projects they’ve flown
Declaring the season wasn’t right despite the seeds they’ve sown
Finding reasons to treat the field like a weed that’s grown
Their blood will reign yet kings abandon their thrones

Sitting pretty getting fed while queens cry alone
Declarations of kingship drown out weary groans
The kingdom is the queens for she builds alone
Who’s the king where’s the king the prince wants to know
Looking him in the eye as he sits on the throne
Where’ve you been what’ve you seen of my growth
Don’t you love me or really didn’t you want to know
Your blood will reign when you’ve been overthrown

Love can and will reign yet blood run will cold
For a king who ignored their heir till they were 20 years old
How can a king be a king when the queen ruled the throne?
He wasn’t even the power behind it he wasn’t a king at all
But to the queens who get big and want their kings dethroned
Check yourself to make sure your truly giving your all
To my kings who simply think that rulings a ball
Stop playing the game or your house will fall
A single mothers cry isn’t nice no, no
Fathers your blood will reign so take control of your throne

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Filed under Society