Silence, oh silence, detox or prison? With no mobile phone, pen, paper or words around my hospital room felt like the latter. As I waited for my operation in this big barren establishment, my mind sought solace from the solar flares of anxiety.
I was only having four teeth out under general anaesthetic, nothing major. A routine operation by all accounts, yet thoughts of it all going wrong and not waking up had played a 3 day concert in my mind. Despite having an enjoyable day 24 hours earlier watching ice hockey live, memories were non-existent.
I wondered, what if I was in this situation again, not so much as in a hospital but isolated from technology or a canvas, away from connections to people I care about, what would keep me going? I’m entertained but what knowledge have I taken on recently? I’ve ridden the storms of instability in my professional life for the last 2 years through a mix of outlets but what have I learned that doesn’t have emotions attached?
“You only live what you’ve learned”, screamed Chester Bennington of Linkin Park on the song Points of Authority. He was right. In that moment I was transported to core beliefs I held as indisputable, things that no amount of hell could shake me from. As the plethora of medical staff entered, asked questions and left, I momentarily breathed easier. I took facts from them while regaining a sense of resilience through humour.
The last thing I said to the operating team before I fell asleep was “I trust you”. I woke up 2 or so hours later, glad to be alive glad that this was completed. Immediately thanking the staff for what they’ve done.
According the operating professional, my wisdom teeth had roots like spades” and made it a longer and more challenging operation than expected. I feel more pain in this recovery phase than my wisdom teeth ever caused. Yet I am grateful that things have been done this way.
Anxiety may flare again at some point with another situation, yet in the silence, without my preferred weapons of distraction, I recognised my true tool must be sharper. Entertainment can dull pain for some time but knowledge may be the higher dosage that kills it.